The Dutch Take Their Bike Safety Very Seriously

Sir, have you been drinking?

This is the story of my first encounter with Dutch police. Unfortunately, it would not be my last.

I had just gotten back from a weekend trip to London, where I had gotten my Eurotrash on, when I stopped by my office to pick up my bike and ride it home. So after a train ride to the airport, 2 hours of waiting including delays, a one hour flight, a half-hour train ride to town, and a 10 minute bus ride to the office, I was only minutes away from heading home. I climbed aboard my bike, careful to balance the giant weight of my backpack that had carried my supplies for the weekend, including my laptop, and slowly made the journey back to my apartment as dusk began to settle in.


Now my office is located on a triangle of land that makes no sense any way you slice it for a bicycle to go anywhere. Any way you really want to go, you're going to cut across traffic at some point and risk getting your ass Canyonero'd to the curb. So I head to the stoplight and contemplate whether I should risk going the wrong way down a one-way street, because it cut off about half a kilometer from my route. I see that the traffic signal perpendicular to me had gone from green to red, and since no cars were coming I made a careful turn into the street. About halfway through the maneuver I had second thoughts, and I decided to instead take the long way home.

Ah, but that would be my fatal error. A police vehicle (to call it a car would be too generous) had pulled in behind me without my knowledge. They saw the totality of this maneuver, and decided to pull me over. Of course, since I was heading down a narrow street, I initially thought the officers were just advising me to ride my bike on the sidewalk, but soon enough I found out their actual intent.

After some cheerful chirping on my part (Good evening officer, what exactly do you want me to do sir), the officer began in a roundabout way to get to the heart of the matter.

I need some ID. Do you need a passport, or will my driver's license be fine? The license is fine. [ ]. Did you see the stop light? Yes I did, but I saw the light was changiYou did not stop at the stop light. [ ]. Your lights are not on. Yes I know, I tried to turn them on, I couldn't get them on. Do you know how to do it? Yes of course. [ ]. See I told you it was broken. Sir, have you been drinking?. What? No, I haven't had anything today. It's just the first time I've ridden a bike in over 10 years and I'm carrying this heavy backpaSo you don't have the skills. I guess not. I do not smell alcohol. [ ]. Alright, it's 60 Euros for the missed stoplight, 30 Euros for the broken lights. If you hadn't done the stoplight, we wouldn't have had any of this. [ ]. Alright, my partner here is in a good mood. No fine. Just don't ride the bike. Just here, or when I get back into regular traffic. No, you walk the bike home. Thank you officer.



And I walked my bike the five kilometers to my apartment. And so there's the story of how I nearly got busted for a DUI on a 3-speed bike.

Hump Day Helper -- Dad Rock Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

Last week was Father's Day, and we didn't do anything, because you know, it's Father's Day. Dads don't have time for that crap, none of this touchy-feely shit, and they're sick of your goddamn ties. If you forget to celebrate it, they're not going to go to shit about it. And that's why we love them.

And what better way to celebrate than to choose the ultimate in modern-day "dad-rock", with Wilco. They've got a new album out this week, and that's going to be something I'll have to track down here in Europeville. Even if they've mellowed a bit over the years, I can forgive them for that. It makes memories like Beavis and Butthead going crazy for "Box Full of Letters" that much cooler. I know we've featured these guys before, but somehow that page got lost. As always, I'm going to blame that fuck-up on Joe.

Since it's hard to track down actual videos from Wilco (even the aforementioned "Letters" doesn't easily come up, and I know there's a real video for that), I just decided to throw up a live video. This song is from the underrated Summerteeth album, and it manages the depressing/uplifting contradiction quite well if you ask me. Then again, it doesn't get much catchier than "Baby all I need is a shot in the arm..."

Something in my veins, bloodier than blood...

The American Public Disappoints Again

So Transformers 2 was the number one movie in America last weekend--not only that, it broke some sort of box office record in the process. Of course, the fact that this happened is not exactly shocking, but that doesn't mean it can't bring a tear to the Indian's eye.


Look people. I understand the general sentiment to want to see something like Transformers. I mean, the toys were kickass, and who can argue with robots beating the ever-living fuck out of each other? That's just good clean ol' American fun, the kind that me and my grand-pappy would engage in down in Kentucky. Shiiiyit, I remember going to the Louisville 'BotFight every Arbor Day. It's pretty much a goddamn tradition.

But just because in theory Transformers 2 would seem like a good use of 151 minutes of your time (seriously, it is that long), that doesn't mean that you should go ahead and pencil in an appointment. If you need reasons, I believe I should point you to Exhibit A: the first movie. Despite Zhuang's early review to the contrary, I would like to point out that the first movie was so bad that I refuse this day to watch it a second time, even if it included what would sure to be a hilarious Rifftrax (from Mike Hodgson, of MST3K fame). I've seen plenty of bad movies multiple times, but it is extremely rare for me to not revisit a movie to revel in its crapulence.


I mean, how can one fuck up a movie about robots pounding the crap out of each other? I mean, look, we weren't expecting much in terms of a coherent plot or story, and God knows we weren't expecting great performances from Shia The Beef or Megan Dead-Eyed Fox. But when the action is so incomprehensible that YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GODDAMN ROBOT-BLOB IS DOING TO THE OTHER, then you don't have a goddamn robots-fighting movie. So if we're going to do this all over again, plus include some jive-talking robots that would make Jar Jar Binks blush, then you should stay the fuck away.

Again, I'm not totally anti-robot fight. Hell, I just watched the latest Terminator movie last week. America, why couldn't you have watched that instead? You would have gotten your fill of explosions and metal carnage without having to condone a cinematic abortion. Or even watch The Hangover again. Just don't fucking give any more money for Transformers fucking 2.

Nic Ouzo's Wild European Adventure: My First Night in The Hague

I've already discussed the details of my initial travels, but have yet to give much of an account of what's happened since I've been on the Continent itself. Today, that changes as I tell you the story of my first night in the Netherlands.

I came to Holland without any place to stay lined up, based on the advice of an intern that had done this same gig in the previous year. They had the misfortune of agreeing to an apartment sight unseen that was, shall we say, "below standard." Having an open shower in the middle of the kitchen is understandably disappointing for a lot of people. So the logic was to get on the ground in The Hague, get a hotel for a couple of nights, and then look for more permanent lodging while you're there, so you can get a better view of what's available and what's convenient. Sound strategy if you ask me.



Of course, I come in without even making a hotel reservation. I literally show up to work with all my suitcases, coming straight from the airport/train station/taxi stand. Fuck it, there's gotta be something like a Holiday Inn where I can crash. This shouldn't be an issue--I'll just go online, make a phone call, and boom, I'll be done.

Except that it was a holiday weekend coming up in the Netherlands. And that means the Dutch were heading to the beach en masse, and whaddyaknow, The Hague has a beach. So finding a room was a bit more of a problem than I thought. I finally locate a reasonably priced place and set a reservation in some random part of the city. So my co-workers get me all set up on the bus to this area, and I set out to stay the night.

So I head out into what appears to be a nice little neighborhood, very pleasant, very green, very friendly. As I'm walking, I'm thinking, this isn't the kind of place where you would find a hotel. And you know, this thinking was right. Because this is the kind of place where you once found a hotel, and now instead have condominiums. That's right, the address that I had for the hotel was for its old location. And considering most American cell phones don't work in Europe, and I had no internet access, well, I was proper fucked as they say.

So, recap: I am in the middle of a foreign country where I don't speak the language. I have three suitcases and a backpack I have to carry everywhere. I have no place to stay for the night. I am proper fucked.



Alright, time to regroup. You know only one address in the city, and that's your work. Head back there, figure things out from there. Maybe somebody is still at the office...nope. No good. Well, there's gotta be a hotel somewhere nearby...how about here?...no, nothing here...Can I use the phone? No?...

Finally I randomly find a taxi, and direct him to just drive me to any hotel. Any hotel. This of course is still difficult, since most hotels are booked, but the driver is generous enough to park at each place and inquire within whether rooms are available. After 4 tries, we finally get to a craptastic place by the beach, whose view is blocked...by another hotel. All for the low price of something like 80 dollars for the night! At least I didn't stay in Badhotel, which was literally across the street. Clearly the only reason why my hotel wasn't named that was because it was beaten to the punch.



Inauspicious beginnings and all that.

Hump Day Helper -- The Old Guys Still Have It Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.


We've featured these guys multiple times here on WDR, mainly because it means we get to use one of our favorite tags on these posts. Even if that weren't the case, we'd still probably get around to showing multiple videos from Dinosaur Jr.

In case you haven't heard, these titans of '80s (and early '90s) indie rock have reunited (original lineup of Lou + Murph intact), and have decided to forget that there was a 20 year gap in their history and rock on as if Bug came out just last week. People thought that their first effort from the reunion, Beyond, was kind of a fluke, because I mean, aren't all reunions supposed to kind of suck? However, considering the rave reviews that have come out for this week's release, Farm, that kind of theorizing can be deemed to be pure bullshit. Here's proof that the old guys still know how to kick the shit. Of course, I'll still need to explain my concert tee every time I wear it.

I had trouble figuring out which video to choose, but I decided to go with the cheap-knockoff of "Sledgehammer." Because if there's one thing we need more of in our lives, it's the Sledgehammer video.

There's a way I feel right now
Wish you'd help me, don't know how
We're all nuts so who helps who
Some help when no one's got a clue...

A Slightly Educated View of Important Stuff: Blogs v. Newspapers

Occasionally WDR finds some subject of importance to chat about that, well, we might actually know a thing or two about. Usually it's Nic who puts these together, but this time Mr. Zhuang is going to contribute.


There's been a lot of talk about the legitimacy of blog news sites versus traditional newspapers. Much of this talk is coming from newspapers which are, if you haven't noticed, drowning like rats on a sinking ship.

First I should say that I am a professionally trained journalist who likes to read information off of a printed page. I'm not exactly sure why I prefer this method and I know that I'm part of a dying breed. But there it is. I prefer print. I'm sad to see newspapers go under, but what hurts me more is the desperate way they're leaving us.

Newspapers have been our primary source of news since the founding of this country. In fact, newspapers (and other print media) are the only businesses specifically protected under the constitution. They have been important to the development of our country. The spread of basic literacy throughout the country can be attributed largely to newspaper production. Several of the Founding Fathers owned and operated newspapers. But now, with the competition from television, internet and blogs, newspapers are dying out. And of all of these competitors, blogs are being targeted most by newspapers. Blogs are singled out for not being professional and lacking the ability to properly serve as news sources.

Now let's think about this for a moment. If we looked back at the newspapers of this country early in their history, we would find something far less professional than even THIS blog. We would see newspapers with minimal stories with a blank back page for people to write in their own stories or comments. Sound familiar? Except that these comments and stories BECAME news! None of these things were cited! Most of them weren't even coherent! There were no fact checkers. The only people who would point out the problems of the paper were rival newspapers who had problems of their own.

Gradually, the press evolved to become more timely and accurate. Rules of grammar were enforced. Facts were checked. Codes of ethics were written and generally followed. It took time for newspapers to become legitimate in the eyes of the public. Even now some people won't trust newspapers. Trust is hard won and easily lost.

So now the newspapers are attacking the blogs for a lack of professionalism. To an extent it's true: Many news blogs pull stories from other sources (i.e. newspapers) but this hardly describes all of them. In all fairness, any semi-educated monkey can track down sources and make phone calls. Local news is easy enough to cover without getting out of the office if you have contacts. If you've got a contact list of trustworthy sources, a computer, a phone and the ability to write something that is reasonably coherent, you've got a local newspaper without a press.

Newspapers have one big advantage in coverage, though: National and International. If you're writing a blog in California (and not getting paid for it) you probably can't afford to go (or send someone else) to Iran and cover what's happening. Newspapers and television can afford to do this. Does this mean that they're more qualified to cover this news? No. It just means that they have enough money to send people they find competent to cover what's happening.

But what newspapers fail to notice (and perhaps it's intentional) is that blogs have the ability to become legitimate news sources if they have reader support and funding. Really, blogs are just another medium for news. They can have editors, fact checkers, foreign correspondents, etc. If blogs can figure out how to make money and hire people, they can essentially become the new-newspaper. Sure, it isn't there now, but it can be there at some point and do it a hell of a lot faster than newspapers did.

WDR's 2 Year Anniversary Blowout Craptacular

So the time has come once again to mark another milestone for this blog. Two years have passed since we started this project, and man have things changed. We've had some laughs, shed some tears, and wrote at least four posts that lied about our current situations. Joe has settled down with three of his baby's mamas down in the hole that is LA, and Zhuang-o now has a fancy degree that enables him to work at The Daily Bugle where he has to get pictures of that damn Spider-man. I have gone from unemployed sack of shit to a rising 2L sack of shit. I mean, that's evolution man.

So what do we have to show for our 2 years in Web 2.0? Well, we're about to get our 20,000th visitor, and if they're anything like 83% of our visitors, they're sure to visit one particularly shameful post looking for dirty, dirty pictures. If it's not that, then it's some foreign dude looking for nutrition tips from Ronnie Coleman. Jesus fucking Christ, that guy has some random following. Strangely enough, we haven't had another search for "Banana Bread Rape", but we have had many people come away disappointed because they were looking for video of "Can you speak up? I'm wearing a towel." Sorry, it was only a quote.

Even though our postings have become more and more infrequent (we've barely cracked double digits this year), we haven't made up for it with an increase of quality. That's just the WDR way. I'd like to especially blame Joe for this, who not only hasn't posted in forever, but set up a Google Reader that was promised to compensate for his lack of posts, but lookey-here, that shit was updated only once since November.

Nonetheless, we will continue to persevere. I recently had a look at our first post, our Manifesto, and I felt we've accomplished our mission. We initially were cautious, and said it was subject to change, but I think it sums up our blog perfectly. Here's to hoping we continue to live up to it.

Hump Day Helper - The Sound of Our Elders Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.


It's shaping up to be a pretty good summer in music, as many WDR faves prepare to release new albums. Good thing I'm an entire continent away from those happenings. Don't worry for me though, I'm sure I'll survive.

This week's selection is from one of the all-time greats, Sonic Youth, who once again released a kickass album last week. They've been on a roll lately, culminating with 2006's Rather Ripped. While that one is a favorite, even though it's almost a "Sonic Youth Unplugged" album, it's good to hear that they're back to letting things errr...rip. I'm sure that the one clerk from Fred Meyer who so far is the only person to realize that my "100% Dirty" shirt is a SY concert tee will appreciate it.

This video from a performance from a month ago, showing that even though these guys are in their fifties, they're still good to go. Plus, the host's name is Holland, so it seems especially fitting.

Got a foghorn and a drum and a hammer that's rockin'
And a cord and a pedal and a lock, that'll do me for now...

Notes ON Travel: Trans-Atlantic Tomfoolery

Hey, it's the return of that recurring series no on really pays attention to! This is surely the best way to recommence the blogging habit and pulling in the audience.


1. If you're going to be stuck in the middle seat, it might as well be on a Trans-Atlantic flight. You may think I'm kidding, but you'd be wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Wrong. That's because those trans-Atlantic flights use non-shitty planes, that have such concepts foreign to your average commuter traveler as "legroom". And given the added convenience of free TV and movies, I was able to watch "30 Rock" and "How I Met Your Mother" episodes along with a neat Bollywood movie. This allowed me to only watch "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" as a final attempt to put me to sleep.

Plus, it didn't hurt that I was stuck between two beautiful ladies...that I didn't say a word to the entire flight.

2. If you're going to be stuck in an airport for a five-hour layover, make sure it's not the Frankfurt airport. Those goddamn Germans and their Teutonic efficiency--they made this aiport into a giant hallway, with only a couple of half-assed newsstands and duty-free shops that take up about 5 square feet. Their food choices are: random prepared-sandwiches, and other random prepared-sandwiches. At least I ended up finding the one set of benches without armrests to sleep for two and a half painful hours, but this was after traveling 2.3 miles in that godforsaken hellhole.


3. There is no scarier feeling than realizing you may have gotten on the wrong train in the middle of a foreign country. Luckily, this feeling only lasted 25 minutes--I randomly ended up on the correct train. But goddamn would I have been fucked with my limited knowledge of Dutch and my 10 weeks-worth of luggage.

4. Don't take a taxi in The Hague. I'm used to New York cabs being pretty cheap, never really having to pay more than a few dollars unless I'm headed to the airport. LA is different, since you're stuck in traffic for 2 hours and have to travel 30 miles to do anything. But taxi service in Den Haag is insane--the starting price is 7.50 euros, which is, if you're scoring at home, 10 dollars. STARTING PRICE. And then once that meter starts ticking, you're going to be paying top dollar. At least their cabbies are dressed in suits. Good to see my money being put to good use.

Nic Ouzo's Wild European Adventure

With Hijinx sure to ensue!

As Zhuang-o mentioned in his post, I'm spending the summer doing the whole Europe thing. Granted, I'll be doing a lot of work for my fancy-pants internship in the Netherlands, but there will be lots of traveling and and general no-goodery on the weekends. As Zhuang said, we may find that my summer ends up looking like the one good scene from Rules of Attraction.


I apologize for taking so long to write this post, but it's been a bitch getting internet wherever I'm staying. And I'm not going to risk alienating my employers by spending my work hours finding inappropriate pictures for this series. But lo and behold, the two weeks between my touchdown here in Holland and today I've had a wealth of stories suitable for mass consumption through this here blog. You'll hear about the strange cuisine available (Bacardi and Cola pre-mixed!), the strangeness of television here (late-night text-sex commercials!), and the stupidity of the Flemish language, among other things. It's going to fucking rock.

I've been knocking around ideas about using a "Freaky-Deaky" scale to document my experiences. Yes, Holland is just about as weird as you could imagine, so the scale is apropos. I'm just not sure what the measure should be--Gouda slices? Van Nistlerooys? Bacardi Colas? If you have an idea, mention it in the comments.

WDR: Back in Action!

Or: More empty promises

So the last time there was a post on this thing I went on about how there would be new posts and all that and then, well, didn't follow-up on that in a very timely manner. But there is good reason for this. Here's a brief overview:

-Joe just went through an epic move from living in a cubical (not his) to living at a local Del Taco. I think we can safely assume where Joe will be going for any late-night food.

-Nic is in Europe. Who knows what he's up to there. I can only assume that the summary will be something like that one scene from Rules of Attraction. You know what I'm talking about. Keep an eye out for any note from Nic about this.

-I've been in California enjoying blue skies, sunny weather, sandy beaches and HOLY FUCK WHY IS THERE ALL OF THIS SEWAGE EVERYWHERE?! YOU CALL THIS A RIVER?! Oh, sorry. But it was too expensive for me down there (except for the grocery store booze) so I had to come back.



Oh, and we're all lazy. Like I really needed to mention that.

So there you go. Joe promised to post something in the near future for your entertainment. I'm sure the sensation that comes with it will resemble the opening of the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And by that I mean your face will melt off. But this will probably be a good thing.

So, is that enough of an update? Well, I sure hope so because it's hot as hell out now and I'm not drunk.

You probably thought that this blog was dead, didn't you?

You would be that negative. But no - even in this economy I can safely say that no one at WDR has been laid off or has had to take a pay cut. We achieved this by having low overhead costs and not actually paying anyone.

Yes, times have been hard, especially without the Hump Day Helper to get you through your work (or, perhaps now, lack thereof) week or the occasional randomness of Joe's epic blogs. We're living in a time when the internet will probably self-destruct, the oceans are full of plastic, Arlen Spector is now a democrat and we're all washing our hands like Monk to avoid getting something called "Swine Flu." We need something fun to bring us out of the funk we're in nationally (and when I say funk I don't mean the kind with George Clinton). So I propose the epic return of WDR! A place where you can get away from it all - or atl least laugh at it.

Who's with me?

WDR Reviews 2008 in Music: Part 2

We covered Part 1 earlier in the week, and now it's time for part 2. I am one of the few people on this planet that still believe in the artificial construct of the album, so coming up with a top ten list is a big deal for me. That being said, I was able to come up with the 10 titles pretty easily--the ranking however took at least 27 seconds however.

Nic Ouzo's Top Ten Albums
10. Kings of Leon - “Only By The Night”. I’ve been a fairweather fan (I have all their albums, but it’s not like I get happy when they show up on iTunes), but over half of the tracks on this album are fantastic. In the end, I liked this album so much that I went back into my collection and listened to all their old stuff with renewed vigor.

9. Beck - “Modern Guilt”. Even though he put on an overall disappointing show when I saw him, Beck still puts out great new material (and the new stuff sounds great live). It’s an interesting mix of sadsack Beck and funky Beck, and I think I like it. Note: This won’t be the last time that a Danger Mouse album ends up on here.

8. Portishead - “Third”. The wait was just about worth it. Fantastic comeback, picking up where they left off, just like the reunited-Dinosaur Jr. did with “Beyond” last year. Some of the most dynamic and interesting songs made this year, and done by the wily veterans.

7. The Walkmen - “You & Me”. The Walkmen are finally getting some credit after being initially hyped and then pretty much ignored. The band is now four for four with awesome records (I'd also include their fun "Pussy Cats" cover album as well as a a success). How can a band that purposefully tries to sound kind of shitty sound really good?

6. Vampire Weekend - “Vampire Weekend”. I didn’t hear anything about the hype, so don't yell at me. I just saw the video for “A-Punk” on Subterranean, and I had to check out the rest. Though I doubt any followup will be any good, I’ll still be playing their debut years later.

5. Tokyo Police Club - “Elephant Shell”. I was kind of disappointed with this release at first, because it didn’t have some of the diverse sounds that “A Lesson in Crime” did, but in the end it’s still a very good group of songs and I find myself listening to the album very regularly.

4. Sigur Rós - “Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust”. Whenever these guys put out an album, it’s going to end up in my top ten--they haven't steered me wrong yet. These guys have mastered the art of repeating past successes while moving in new directions. It's a thrilling combination of the euphoric and the epic, and hey, they even sing in English on this one (for a song at least)!

3. British Sea Power - “Do You Like Rock Music?”. There are some fantastic songs on this album, and I thought it might help break these guys into the mainstream. Then I realized that if “Remember Me” couldn’t do it, I don’t know what would. It's everyone else's loss that they can't appreciate fantastic songs like "Waving Flags" and "Atom". Also, one of the best shows I saw last year.

2. The Black Keys - “Attack & Release”. Yes we know what to expect from The Black Keys, but the addition of Danger Mouse and other instruments helped expand their sound in fantastic ways. Very underrated effort, but that just seems to describe the group for the past few years. And yes, the rating might be inflated due to seeing two fabulous shows with these guys.

1. Gnarls Barkley - “The Odd Couple”. Brilliant front-to-back. None of the standouts like “St. Elsewhere” (nothing could live up to "Crazy"), but also not as uneven. It runs the gamut, mixing great high-energy tracks like "Going On" and "Run" with fantastic ballads like "Who's Gonna Save Your Soul?" and "Blind Mary". I’m just kind of bewildered that this isn’t getting the acclaim that it deserves. The lesson is: Joe Reefer is an idiot.

New Guys who caught my eye (but I need to listen more of):
Los Campesinos! - “Hold on Now Youngster” (and "We Are Beautiful. We Are Doomed.")
Ra Ra Riot - “The Rhumb Line”
No Age - “Nouns”
Dapunksportif - "Electro Tube Riot"
Fleet Foxes - "Fleet Foxes"

Special Mention:
One Day As A Lion - “One Day As A Lion” [EP]. With 5 songs, Zack de la Rocha showed more creativity than 3 Audioslave albums. And I say that as a guy who didn’t totally hate Audioslave.

Hump Day Helper -- Kick Ass Cover Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.



These guys figure prominently in my Year in Review for music, and it's with good reason. The Odd Couple is a brilliant record, and you should own a copy of it. If you don't, consider yourself forkstabbed.

They had a brilliant video nominated for a Grammy (one of the few interesting categories year-to-year), but it's too much of a downer for the Helper. Save it for Saturday, you're going to need it.

Instead, I bring you a video I came across a few months ago but have been waiting for the right time to bust out. Well, considering the Radiohead post earlier this week and Gnarls's continued presence on my year-end lists, now seemed like the perfect opportunity to witness Gnarls performing an amazing cover.

Because we separate like ripples on a blank shore...

WDR Reviews 2008 in Music: Part 1

I mentioned in a Hump Day Helper way back when that 2008 was kind of a shit year in music, at least by the halfway mark. My stance has softened considerably since then; while not nearly as awesome as say last year or 2005, 2008 wasn't a total disappointment. It was a pretty solid year, with a lot of decent records--just not anything transcendent. Which is ok--sometimes you want to hit for average, not power.

That being said, I decided that it was time to roll out my 2008 ratings. Why in February, especially since I already wrote out the majority of this in December? I think this tag explains it, but I think the public answer we're going to give is that it's apparently sweeps week.

We're going to get into the top 10 albums and top live shows later on in the week, but today we're doing the left-over albums, and various cool songs from this past year.

Honorable Mention
Coldplay - “Viva La Vida”. Whatever, I like these guys, even though “X&Y” showed total creative bankruptcy. At least Eno apparently got them back making music that’s interesting at the very least. So I wasn't entirely disappointed that this got a lot of Grammy nominations.

TV on the Radio - “Dear Science”. Everybody else is throwing up praise for this one, but I hated it the first time I listened to it–-I hated the flow, and some of the songs just seemed plain awful. But I’ve listened to it a few more times, and it's grown on me. However, I still say “desperate youth, bloodthirsty babes” is their high point.

Eagles of Death Metal - “Heart On”. I love these guys, and the schtick hasn’t worn thin yet. I've only given it a few listens, but it's just such a good time that it has to be recognized.

Dr. Dog - “Fate”. While I'm not a big fan of the Beatles (as Joe would angrily attest), I love it when bands do lo-fi approximations. (See also: Olivia Tremor Control)

Atmosphere - "When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint that Shit Gold". This would have made the list on the title alone, but hell, the rapping is good as well.

Disappointments
My Morning Jacket - “Evil Urges”. Granted, it’s a fun album, and I’ll throw it on pretty regularly. But it just doesn’t measure up to their previous work and their recent trajectory. I thought this would be their big breakthrough, and would justify to the masses why I felt this band was so great, and it just wasn’t the case. Instead, I’ll have to continue converting people with my private screenings of “Okonokos”.

The other great disappointment? With all the mentions of Sarah Palin and her supposed sexy-librarian looks, nobody quoted the song “Librarian” from this album.

Wolf Parade - “At Mount Zoomer”. You can’t match the brilliance of “Apologies to the Queen Mary”, so it’s no fault to these guys. The songs are all very good, but they just lack the same spark that they had on their debut that would bring me an element of joy, no matter how depressing the lyrics were.

Bloc Party - “Intimacy”. It’s not bad at all, but the album definitely sounds rushed. If they spent a bit more time on this, it would be a better album. There's too much schizophrenia in determining what their sound was going to be--"Mercury" and "Ares" mark an interesting new direction, and "Halo" would sound at home on Silent Alarm, but in the end it just kind of runs together. That being said, the CD release added some good songs to the early-download-only title.

Nine Inch Nails - “Ghosts”. When I hear “Nine Inch Nails” and “instrumentals”, I think of the brilliance of “A Warm Place” and “Just Like You Imagined”, which truly stand alone as pieces by themselves. Instead, I got a soundtrack to a movie I don’t particularly want to see. “The Slip” was a good followup though.

The Verve - “Forth”. It’s good to see these guys back together, but it’s clear these guys lost something.

The Mars Volta - "The Bedlam In Goliath". I almost forgot this album came out this year. For the record, TMV should avoid taking cocaine before recording sessions--78 minutes of all-out spastic attacks is just too much. Though I am intrigued about a potential acoustic follow-up.

Secret Machines - “Secret Machines”. B-o-r-i-n-g.

Top songs (in no order)
Kings of Leon - “Sex on Fire”
Flobots - “Handlebars”
Wolf Parade - “Kissing the Beehive”
TV on the Radio - “Family Tree”
Apples in Stereo - "Stephen Stephen"
Coldplay - "Viva La Vida"
Sigur Rós - “Festival”
Gnarls Barkley - “Going On”
Los Campesinos! - “Death to Los Campesinos!”
Ra Ra Riot - "Ghost Under Rocks"
One Day As A Lion - "One Day As A Lion"
Tokyo Police Club - “Your English is Good”
My Morning Jacket - “Touch Me I’m Going to Scream, pt. 2″
Beck - “Profanity Prayers”
The Last Shadow Puppets - "The Age of the Understatement"
Vampire Weekend - “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”
The Raconteurs - “Salute Your Solution”
British Sea Power - “Atom”
The Black Keys - “Things Ain’t Like They Used to Be”
The Walkmen - “In the New Year”

The Grammys and some other music nonsense

I must agree with Nic's earlier post about the Grammys. I did not watch the show as such, but I was interested in the performances. In fact, I even went so far as to read a piece by Entertainment Weekly about the "Best and Worst" Grammy performances. The only problem was this: I wanted there to be some horrific performance that I could watch in addition to the greats. That's what I assumed when they had a "best and worst" list. But I was wrong. The lowest score given to a performance: B-. Highest: A+. You can't have a best-of list when almost all the performances are on the Grammy honor roll! Someone needs to get an F! How the hell did they curve this thing?! There is no "worst" when they're all rated as good. They should have called it "The most awesome Grammys ever because every performance kicked ass" list. I call bullshit.

Also, I wanted to make a little statement about the band Theory of a Deadman. Now, having just mentioned that you're probably saying to yourself, "That band has been around forever. Why talk about them now?" or "Who the fuck are those guys?" If you asked the latter, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. They have been around for a while. Too long, in my opinion. There's three things you need to know about this band:

1: They're terrible.

What makes them terrible? They sound like they're trying to be Nickelback and failing. For the record, this should be proof that failing to fail does not make you successful. This band is a pile of failure in a sadness bowl. Unfortunately for us, that is a special kind of emo-metal sadness that some dipshits are paying money to listen to. And then it gets on the radio. And I get angry. And then people die.

2: Their name makes no sense.

This happens to a lot of bands, but it's especially irritating when it's a band that sucks. What the hell is a theory of a dead man and why do we care? It's not like Better Than Ezra, a band who doesn't have a reason for their name, but they kick ass anyway. And, considering that they are Better Than Ezra, perhaps Ezra isn't too bad either. Someone should investigate this.

Also, why is the name a compound word?

3: They are terrible.

I know this was the first point and it shouldn't really count as a third, but I cannot stress this enough. These guys are a bunch of fucking wankers. Though they aren't quite as offensive to me as Plain White Ts or Fallout Boy. But they are pretty damn awful. Again, they tried to be Nickelback AND FAILED.

That's all for now.

Radiohead Takes Their Name Perhaps Too Literally

Everyone knows the Grammys are a joke of an awards show, but sometimes there are performances that make the evening worthwhile. Not worthwhile enough for me to actually watch the show live, but worthwhile enough that I'll check out clips on the Youtubes. One such example is the live performance of Radiohead (well, at least Thom and Johnny) doing "15 Step" with the USC Marching Band. Granted, I hate all things USC (yes, including you, Mr. Reefer), but I have to say that it was a pretty sweet performance, even including Thom's strangely involved rock-star moves (has he moved beyond the "Idioteque" spaz-attack? Let's hope not).

However, what may have been cooler is that from watching that clip I got a link to another video, which is the semi-official version of the "15 Step" music video. I believe the other members of the WDR crew would approve.

This Shit Cannot Stand

I was already for the downturn in our economy to be the new "El Nino"--the catch-all excuse for anything bad that was going wrong. In other words, I thought it was a lot of bullshit attempting to mask a serious problem--say, about a 90-10 split. But that was before I realized how serious the problem had gotten. How serious?

So serious that the Girl Scouts are cutting back costs by putting less cookies per box. It wasn't until I read this story that I felt the rapidly spiraling economy had really affected me, Nic Ouzo, connoisseur and consumer of fatty shit. I mean, foreclosure and unemployment are all fun and games, but less cookies? Now there are real victims to the crisis, namely me, the eater of Thin Mints.



Of course, I only mention Thin Mints because they're the only cookie worth a damn. But it also brings up a mildly interesting story that just proves how insanely delicious they are. There's a Dairy Queen over by Joe Reefer's house that we rarely visit, because they're run by Puritanical reverse-vampire assholes that close the place by 9. And since we believe in only doing things at night, it's never open when we need it. But this past summer, for one month they had Thin Mint as their special blizzard flavor. Joe and I kept attempting to remember to go out early enough to get such a dessert, but something would always come up, like the need to watch some Bond marathon. We finally remembered to hit the DQ, but one day after the promotion ended. However, they had enough left over that they let us purchase two small blizzards.

We immediately regretted this decision. Because that shit was fucking delicious. Even though I was trying to watch my figure, I should have ordered a Super Gigantofuck helping of that ice cream. Joe had never really had the same love of the Thinned Mint, but this blizzard made him a goddamn convert to the Church of the Everlasting Thin Mint.

So I'm here to offer my threat to the economy to shape up or ship out:

You don't touch my fucking Thin Mints. Consider yourself warned.

Hump Day Helper -- Whatever Floats Your Boat

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.



Yeah, it's been a shit week. That means that we're going to need an extra-strong serving of the Helper today, so I went through my record collection and chose one of my random favorite songs. Hell, I have no idea what it's about--I don't even understand how the title even works (how do you singtechno? what the hell is spanish techno?). But it doesn't matter, because the song never fails to put a smile on my face. And what the hell, the video is pretty goofy as well.

Wired for sound, wide awake here for days in a row
Now we see what the engine can do
And I won't let this happen to you...

There's No Better Way To Sum Up This Day

Than to share this picture of my old room. This poster is fittingly taking the spot of my poster of the album cover of Rage Against the Machine's "Evil Empire".



Don't worry, I still have that poster at my new place though.

Meaningless Debate: Best Repairman

People have always wondered how things measure up to other things. Like, who would win in a fight: a bear or a shark? Dinosaurs or man? Alien or predator?

These imaginary competitions are really meaningless, but they're also alluring in a somewhat retarded way. And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the first WDR Meaningless Debate: Best Repairman!

Our first contender: Archibald "Harry" Tuttle


The awesome repairman/government subversive in Terry Gilliam's Brazil. Played by Robert DeNiro.

Quote: "Listen, this old system of yours could be on fire and I couldn't even turn on the kitchen tap without filling out a 27b/6... Bloody paperwork"

Contender number 2: Bill


The repairman from the craptastic voyage that is House 2: The Second Story. He's played by John Ratzenberger and is probably the best thing in the movie. That and the crystal skull thing that was important for some reason.

Quote: (Looking into a hole in the wall) "There it is. Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something."



There they are! Now it's time for you, the reader, to debate who is the better fictional repairman. GO!

You can tell it was a good New Year's party...

When this is what you wake up to in the morning.



I know that it’s true
It’s gonna be a good year...

No More Modern Re-Inventions

Normally Wednesdays are reserved for the required "Hump Day Helper", but since it's the holidays this week, you either 1) don't need the Helper or 2) are so far beyond the help that a Helper could provide, that it would be counterproductive to even suggest anything could help. Really, it just depends on your family, though I imagine many people are reading and saying "a little from column a, a little from column b..." Nevertheless, I'm here to provide you with news that's should put a turd in your stocking.


There are few things that are common to everyone's childhood, but one item that certainly is enjoyed all over is the Little Red Wagon. Chances are, you all had a little Radio Flyer that you enjoyed the shit out of, even though you didn't quite understand its use. I mean, it can barely carry anything since it's so shallow, and it isn't particularly maneuverable since it has no real steering to speak of. But, as I said before, you still enjoyed the shit out of it. You loved that little red wagon, and then when you read Calvin and Hobbes years later, you wished that you could go back to the days that you pushed your trusty Radio Flyer around that you could re-enact Calvin's various terribly dangerous adventures. In other words, it's your childhood in a nice little red package.

But that's about to change.

That's because some marketing assholes have decided that being a treasured part of everyone's childhood isn't enough. No, we must make little red wagons a fucking growth industry. Which means this: a reinvention of the Radio Flyer.


The specs on this thing are ridiculous--safety harnesses, actual goddamn seats, CUP HOLDERS!, and A FREAKING MP3 PLAYER DOCK!!!??! Why is this ridiculous? Well, for one, this has more technology than my old Volkswagen. But safety equipment? I mean, the fun of the Radio Flyer was that YOU COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT. This is just more proof that we're raising a generation of sissies. And what 5 year old has a goddamn mp3 player? Maybe this is why we're in a financial crisis--we're spending money on giving our kids fucking mp3 players.

Please stop this product from advancing beyond the development stage. And please stop shitting on my childhood.

Joe Reefer Fears for His Life

ATTENTION ALL WDR READERS, the life of a very near and dear friend may be in serious peril. At 10:40AM (a serious time, for serious business) your very own Joe Reefer received the following notice of his imminent doom. I hope that your thoughts will be with me as I fight for my very life in a battle which, in all likelihood, I cannot win.

FROM: AGENT
TO: (my e-mail address)
SUBJECT: GOOD DAY FIRSTNAME LASTNAME (note: it actually said 'firstname lastname', that isn't an edit)

How are you.
Am very sorry for you my friend, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply.As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL/ASSASSINATE you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.
Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he want you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent.
I called my client back and ask him of you email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up.
WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELL ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW. REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, IN CASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY.
DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7:30PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD AFTER YOU HAVE COMPLIED WITH MY DEMANDS, THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION.
GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY

Hump Day Helper -- Unnecessary Edition

You saw the news from yesterday. There's no need to pick up your spirits for the rest of your week.

This Picture Says It All.

Election 2008: It's finally here

Hello and welcome to WDR's 2008 Election coverage. I'm Mr. Zhuang and here's the news:

First polls in (4:10PM, Pacific) : Obama 3, McCain, 8. This is only the beginning, mind you, so this is all bound to change as the night goes on. These guys need 270 votes to win, as I'm sure you're all aware. So, I'm going to guess that this means Obama has Vermont and McCain has South Carolina.

As coverage continues tonight, I will be adding comments, stats, etc. to this blog. As I do so, I will probably get more and more drunk, which may lead to some odd tangents in the blog updates. Also, there may be a long gap around 6-8PM Pacific where I'll be eating dinner. So, keep that in mind.

Update 1 (5:10PM) : Obama 77, McCain 34. Now that's what I'm talking about. Sure, there's a lot more to come, but it's good to see progress like this as the night goes on. Also, as obvious Obama supporters, this is what we want to see happening.

In addition to my coverage, I've decided to add a game aspect to make this more fun: For every state that goes to Obama after he reaches 270, I'll have a shot of whiskey. On the flipside, for every state that goes to McCain after 270, I'll run naked through the neighborhood. Really, everyone wins with this, trust me. My ol' buddy Johnny Walker will be waiting for his call to action.

Update 2 (9:29PM) : Obama 338, McCain 156. Well, things really got going, didn't they? Sorry for making this late; I was thinking of celebrations and scotch and whatnot. I was too busy to make the pilgimage to the computr and write all this shit down. Geez. Well, it's official: Barack Obama is the next President of the United States. It's totally tripping me out. Not to say that the scotch or "herbal supplements" being tossed around weren't a factor. But what of it - this is a time for celebration, no? I'vw=e had about 5 shots of scotch and several trips down the green river, so i thnk iv;e got this down. [Ed: Even though I added the boldface earlier, I'm keeping in the crazy typos at the end to commemorate Mr. Zhuang's celebratory state--Nic Ouzo]

People are already talking about how this presidency is going to change America. The time is here and none too soon. It's gonna be awesome. Just like this picture:

WDR: Live Election Craziness! (Tomorrow)

Unless you've been living in a cave for the last...your entire life, you know that it's election season again here in the ol' U.S. of A. If you're like me, you're pumped for tomorrow not just because we'll know who our new president will be, but also because you're sick of all of the lame election commercials that have been on all the time. This is even worse in Oregon (with vote by mail) because the politicians (even local) keep paying for spots even though most people have already voted. I guess it's still open for the rest of the states.

Oh, well. So, I'm going to be writing a blog tomorrow that will cover the election-gasm tomorrow night. It would probably be more appropriate for Nic to do this, as he will actually be aiding in the election process, but, well, he'll be busy with that. Me? I'll be getting drunk and watching TV. Watch as my ability to write goes from bad to completely unintelligible. I hope you'll all be watching along with me.

Beck Live! (Sans Three-Hour Washboard Solo)

As I've mentioned before, I began the year with an unofficial list of bands that I pretty much needed to make sure I saw live in case I was cut down in my prime due to an unfortunate gardening accident. It amounted to essentially three artists that I loved and also had the reputation for being stellar live acts. You've read (or, if I was to be truthful, probably didn't) the previous entries on My Morning Jacket and Sigur Rós, which knocked out two spots on that list. And a couple of weeks ago I got the opportunity to complete the list, when Beck swung into New York for a three-day stand.

Beck was one of the first "alternative" or "college rock" artists I got into as a kid. I remember hearing "Devil's Haircut" and "Where It's At" when I was about eleven years old, and just being fascinated by the sound. And then I saw clips of his cracked-out videos, which is when I realized that it was probably worth following this crazy rat bastard. So I bought a copy of Odelay and begun listening to it on a semi-consistent basis. I waited a bit before picking up Mutations, since the press for that record was that it wasn't really a "proper" follow-up to Odelay, but when I finally got around to it I was amazed. To this day, Mutations is my favorite Beck record, front-to-back. From then on I was a solid fan.

I had heard for years about the great show that Beck put on, ranging from his electric dance moves during the Odelay to Midnite Vultures eras to the tour with the Flaming Lips as his backing band to the puppet show during the Guero tour, so I was crushed when I found out that Beck was playing in Oregon the day after I left for New York. Fortunately, I looked up a concert schedule once I moved out here and found that Beck hadn't done the East Coast leg yet, and I could catch him at some point. Once again I was too late for tickets, but I was able to find a street-corner businessman who was willing to let me procure said ticket, with a slight commission.


Unfortunately, Beck was not on his game that night. This was apparently the case for the other New York shows, which followed a similar script, and according to an interview in SPIN, has been a problem this year--Beck's just not into touring any more. Beck spent half an hour before he felt any sort of real energy, and by then the concert was almost half over. That's right, a man with seven major studio albums and loads of b-sides decided to run a ninety-minute set (on all three nights). During the early part of the show, I could tell if Beck was drunk or depressed, or if the drugs had not kicked in yet--it was that noticeable.

The show began with a dissonant and rambling version of "Devil's Haircut", which while not tight at all at least held the hope that it would be a high-energy rocking show. Soon afterwards Beck busted out "Novocane", which got this guy excited, but apparently the rest of the Theater was a "singles-only" kind of crowd and didn't really appreciate that cut. In general, Beck stuck to the material from his latest, Modern Guilt, which is actually a very solid album, and those songs were probably the best of the night, surprisingly enough. Besides a shambling version of "Loser" and a couple of other mid-period songs, it was a post-Guero show for the most part, with few surprises for the most part.


Things didn't really kick in until after "Girl", which for some reason brought Beck up to speed and him getting actually engaged in the show. Then it was a whole new ballgame, and for once I wasn't checking my watch to try to calculate when I was getting out of there, or how low this show would rank on my all-time list (to be fair, I've seen very few duds, but this was going to be one of them). The problem is, I have no problem if Beck was not feeling the energy--he's got Sea Change and Mutations material to fall back on if he's feeling like the sad-sack loser persona that night, and the two great performances of "The Golden Age" and "Lost Cause" confirmed that if he went in that direction, the night would have been special.

Was I glad to see Beck? Sure, I had to see the man for myself, and not rely on other people's reviews of the tour. Was it worth the money I paid? In one sense, perhaps not, but it was worth the risk. However, if you want to judge for yourself, you'll get the chance when the DVD they were filming those three nights eventually hits stores.

Hump Day Helper -- Death By Sunshine Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

When it comes to music, I'm very much a sad-bastard kind of guy. While my tastes don't just center around Mopeville, it's usually kind of, I don't know, "serious". Probably because there seems to be more to say when there's conflict in the music, or maybe perhaps I like minor key melodies and modulations better. Whatever it is, it makes many people (mostly of the female persuasion) think, gawd, what a bore.

As a result, in the past couple of years I've tried to branch out into, well, happier music. And this song here has what can be best determined to be ten gallons of sunshine in a 5 gallon hat. In fact, you might turn off the video within the first twenty seconds, but that would be a mistake. No, my friends, by the end of the video you'll have the song stuck in your head, and you'll actually want to listen to the rest of what Los Campesinos! have to offer, unnecessary punctuation mark or not. Especially after you see the end of the video.

Of course, all this talk about happiness completely ignores the lyrics, which as I read them now, reveal themselves to be kind of insane, to put it mildly.

I will stop fighting once your circuit board's igniting
singing, "I'M NOT FINISHED, I'M NOT FINISHED! No!...